What Does Your Wireless Name Say About You?

Wireless owners who name their networks fall into several categories which I will provide you with my layman and unprofessional opinion of what I think they represent. As my personal resume is stacked with accomplishments such as being able to walk in 4” heels, being able to tell the difference between a dog and a ferret after a heavy dosage of alcohol, and knowing the difference between where and were, I believe you will agree with my justifications of each user category.

While reading about each group, decide which you would like to fall under.

Animal Lovers

These aren’t your regular dog and cat owners. These people prefer monkeys, but are known to dabble in all genres of animals. The person who names their wireless after an animal tends to have braces later in life, bad hair, or is catering to their lost childhood dog that was sent to a “farm” to live. These people hold an excitement for life mostly spurred on by puppy love and antidepressants. They give me the warm and fuzzies.

Movies and Book References

These people love to quote movies and books and tend to have a sense of fantasy in their justification for doing so. They dream big and fall short of all their aspirations, which is why they live through characters and titles. They tend to live in libraries and believe Lord of the Rings was made in order to depict how the Obama presidency will end. Oh and I am pretty sure they eat boogers. These people live off one-lines and fear they peaked in high school when they were able to use that classic Trojan condom that was stashed in their wallets, which FYI does INDEED compromise the condom and thus leads to baby Jonny being born just into your freshman year of college. Oh, they are usually well read individuals.

Funny + Pun= PUNNY

This is my favorite group of d-bags. They have a slippery grip on life and see the comedy in everything. I like to think they are math nerds and the sum of funny and pun equates to punny, and that’s not easy math my friends. These people tend to like the smell of their own poop and fold toilet paper a couple times to make doubly ply TP 6-ply. It’s not just smart, but rather habitual for them. I feel like they should wear monocles and huff glue.

Sexual Innuendos

These people love sex. They love sex so much they are constantly watching porn and trying new ways to think about porn. You people have mommy and daddy issues. It’s cool, we all do. But yours stem from walking in on your parents in a compromising sexy time position which made you cock your head and say ‘um is that even physically possible? These people like the smell of cleaning products and love to lotion on the subway.

Poop References

This group admires corn and all its multiple uses- biodiesel, making pipes, oil, food, feed, etc. They are scientists and weirdo’s. However, there is a separate section of this group which consider themselves foodies and critics of fine dining experiences. They are a-holes and full of it, but we love them because they offer a childish take on life. This group understands that when they see a baby that one day they too will be back in the diaper shitting them self. The sad part is they look forward to it. They also tend to be allergic to nuts.

Sports Teams & Alma Mater Matters

This group is very clear in their intentions and hates to take their eyes off the prize. They are constantly in a state of perpetual readiness, which is exhibited for them swapping their underwear out for jock straps. It’s worrisome, but they appreciate the security it provides. The people in this group sleep with security blankets and often have wet dreams about group showers and whey protein shakes that come in those ridiculous 5 gallon tubs. I mean what asshole d-bag company would make them in those LARGE containers? What, you couldn’t just make a small pill? No… it had to be a big bulky masculine looking container to match your bulldog Tyson and your bulging biceps.

Naming it a Name

These people are boring, uncreative, and simple. You should you be Amish. These people typically got their degrees in English and exhibit their mastery of the English language by using no talent or creativity. They are pompous and are boring in bed. Their farts smell like French fries, but they love it.


This group is characterized by a special group of people whom as children aspired to be in the CIA and FBI, but failed short and decided to take up collecting toenails. These people are tube sock jockeys and harbor extreme hatred for anything or word that sounds like angina. They constantly misuse words in shallow attempts to sounds smart. But to their credit they smell like a fresh summer breeze. They highly enjoy a good spanking and powder in their butt crack. They say it keeps them fresh.

Although this is not a full listing of all the particular type of groups one can fall under, we think it’s a great start, and certainly food for thought. We encourage you to create your own personality and defy even our wildest expectations.